Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize