Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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