The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
