i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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