How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
