dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
So many bounce houses so little time
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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