Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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