mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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