did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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