So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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