i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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