I only kidnapped one of them. chill
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize