She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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