Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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