how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
