How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize