if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
