There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
