My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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