i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
