I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
