I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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