I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
not ubering you a puppy
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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