Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
