the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
