He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
