We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
