Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
