You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
