Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
