Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
