I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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