I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
