I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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