My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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