Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
