I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
