she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
