3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
