Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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