Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You left your phone here
Wait...
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