I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
