You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize