the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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