From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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