nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
