my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Randomize
