life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
