Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
