he wants to bone in the snuggie
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
