Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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