How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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