First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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