I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
