I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
