i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize