Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
