I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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