I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
