I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
