I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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