Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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